


SPR

by silver_drip



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Comic Book Science, Masturbation, Sex Pollen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-08-27 05:45:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8389510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silver_drip/pseuds/silver_drip
Summary: The Avengers get hit with sex pollen.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [arabmorgan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/arabmorgan/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Seeking Better Days](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8375944) by [arabmorgan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/arabmorgan/pseuds/arabmorgan). 



> Idk what I'm doing with my life~

* * *

The sex pollen shot onto their faces like a bad porno.

Tony had just enough time to send out an emergency alert to Jarvis before he had to catch Clint who’d gone tumbling off a building.

Clint began undulating against him and he heard Natasha grunt through the coms.

His HUD still had the location of the other Avengers. He just had to gather them up before they started humping parking-meters.

The last time Thor had sex pollen he debauched a couch, multiple times.

That was only one Avenger though. This time almost all of them had been hit. Thankfully Bruce hadn’t been on the field.

“My hammer is mighty!” Thor shouted.

“Fuck.” He would be the most difficult for Tony to manage.

Clint was throwing off Tony’s balance with his grinding, slowing Tony down even more.

“Coulson here. I’m 500 feet in front of you, Iron Man.”

“Be prepared to catch bird brain.” He slowed down just enough so that Coulson wouldn’t topple backwards when Tony dropped Clint into his arms.

Natasha was running to Coulson’s position while shooting down the rest of the sentient flowers. Her face was red and her breathing fast.

Captain America was two blocks away. When Tony got to him, Steve was using his shield to cover his crotch and wandering hand. Tony knew what was happening, but the look of embarrassment on Steve’s face kept him from making a joke.

Tony scooped him up, catching the shield that fell away.

Steve tried to make out with the Iron Man helmet while jerking himself off.

Tony prayed he wouldn’t have to hose down the suit.

He had to come to a full stop to put Steve in a SHIELD owned van.

Tony didn’t know how much longer he had before the pollen incapacitated him.

Thor was standing on top of a building, stripping off his armor.

“Shield brother!” Tony shouted with his visor raised.

“Shield brother!” Thor shouted back, twice as loud.

“The brothel is near! Let’s not leave the women waiting!” It was a long shot but—

Thor let out a mighty war cry. His eyes were bright as he wound up his hammer and took off.

They flew through the city. Tony had to stop twice to keep Thor moving. He insisted on flexing his muscles and telling bawdy jokes to the women they passed. Tony was thankful Thor was straight, otherwise the journey would have taken twice as long.

“Our carriage is here!”

Coulson had a second SHIELD van waiting. His expression was blank as ever.

The van nearly broke as Thor landed on top of it. He roared while flexing.

“Women of Midgard! I have come to satisfy you! Kneel and I shall bring you the bliss of a god!” His leather pants did nothing to hide his large erection. A few women stopped, considering it.

“Shield brother, the wenches won’t wait! I cannot handle all six of them myself!”

“Six?” Thor laughed and jumped off the van. He strutted into the van looking like a frat brother and playboy at once.

“Good job, Stark,” Coulson said. Tony nodded and got into the van. There was a stack of porn magazines waiting for them. How they got so many so fast was beyond him.

Thor chuckled deeply as he flipped through one dedicated to busty women. He licked the page and Tony cringed. He took off his helmet and leaned back.

“How are you doing, Stark?” Coulson asked while taking a seat beside him.

“Is it really a good idea for you to be back here?” It was standard protocol to keep your distance from a SPR, sex pollen recipient, unless they were in a sexual relationship with them.

“I’m not his type. Besides, I have this covered.” Coulson flexed his hand. He had a spiked gauntlet that oozed silver energy. “Picked this up outside of Cleveland.”

“I don’t even want to know.”

Tony put his helmet back on when Thor started jerking off. Tony didn’t want to risk anything else splattering on his face.

*

They made it to an underground SHIELD facility after Thor came for a second time. Thor was starting to get irritated. Dirty mags weren’t doing it for him anymore.

“Prince Thor,” a beautiful SHIELD agent called out. Her arm was resting around the waist of another stunning agent. If Thor was in his right mind he’d remember that it was just part of the protocol to get him in an enclosed place with plenty of sex toys.

The van shook as Thor jumped out of it.

Tony didn’t notice Coulson’s spiked gauntlet around his forearm until he tried to move.

“Pepper will be here in fifteen minutes. Till then you need to come with me.”

“I’m fine,” Tony said while letting his visor up. He tried prying Coulson’s hand off his arm, but even with the strength of the Iron Man suit it was impossible.

Coulson looked at him carefully before nodding.

“We’re going to medical. I want you tested.”

“Normally the blood test comes after the sex,” Tony joked. The only time he liked doctors was when he was playing one.

“I need to ask you to get out of the suit.”

Tony sighed. The suit unfolded around him and into a suitcase. As he picked it up he saw Coulson eyeing his under-suit.

“Not popping a tent, Agent. Sorry.” He hated being under scrutiny like this, as if he was about to jump someone. Despite his bad reputation of being wild and erratic he had better control than most.

The medical staff looked nervous.

Tony sat down heavily on an examination table as he rolled up his sleeve.

“Alright, you vampires. Have at it.”

Coulson stayed close as six vials of blood were taken. Two were popped into a centrifuge while the other was bustled off.

“Heartrate and blood pressure are normal,” a nurse said while quickly stepping away. Another took his spot.

She held up an odd-looking shaped device. It twirled around his head and an image of his brain appeared.

“His pleasure centers are lit up. According to this he should be aroused as other SPRs.”

“I am aroused,” Tony said. The nurse pointedly glanced at his lap. Tony rolled his eyes. “You don’t understand. I’m _always_ turned on.”

“He’s definitely a SPR,” a doctor said. He was looking at the centrifuged blood under the microscope. “A high dose too.”  

“How often do you and Ms. Potts have sex?” a different doctor asked. Tony narrowed his eyes at him.

“Pep and I agreed to never talk about our sex lives with others.” Everyone already knew about his earlier partners. Pepper was special and Tony wanted to keep her all to himself.

“When she’s not in town how often do you masturbate?”

Tony gave it a brief thought.

“Last night after my third cup of coffee. This morning in the shower. In the lab after that. Steve made me go upstairs for lunch so not then. I had to do the dishes then the alarm went off.” He looked over at Coulson. “How long did the battle last?”

“Just over an hour and a half.”

“So that’s four times, five on average probably.” He knew that he exhausted Pepper sometimes, but he figured that was because of her busy lifestyle, not because of all the sex. “Is that not normal?”

“Men your age normally masturbates a few times a month, not a few times a day,” a doctor said, showing statistics on his phone.

“Huh, well how ‘bout that.” Tony got off the exam table. “I guess I’m too sexy for sex pollen. I think I’ll go home and have myself a good wanking.” He saluted them before proudly walking off.  

 


End file.
